New Friends, I’m Chelsey Laraine, it’s so nice to meet you!! Thank you for dropping by! Old Friends, OMG!!! I’m so fucking glad you’re here! I hope we get a chance to catch up <3 Shit’s, been, Crazy! 

Turns out though…I’m not the crazy one! Phew. I graduated therapy at the end of March, my Doctor having just witnessed my Unhinged-Hearts Song. My most open, free expression of the words and connections I was making during my “Latest understanding of Enlightenment” , an effort to convince her I was the problem;  left my Dr. B. with tears of joy and “I’m not saying a word, you’re Perfect” was her reply. I baled confused, until she held her notebook up facing her “Do you think these are about you?” She shook her head gently, a tear rolling down her generally poised face as she smiled; just a bit. “These are for me, the connections you’ve made, I hadn't”

We stared in eachothers eyes as I finally took the key from her I’d been desperately searching for all my life. What I didn’t comprehend until now was that she unlocked a whole fucking ring of Keys. I’ve spent the past month opening door after door, my next key waiting behind the door I’d blocked myself from seeing under 30+ years of Searching. I was always hunting, on the prowl or directly sprinting towards what I thought was the solution, until I came up empty-handed AGAIN like always. 

Except there is no always; that was the belief I needed to keep going and not give up on finding me. I now understand + can see I was just bouncing off the boundaries I didn’t think I had, because I was too broken, too cold and Blunty to find my path, my voice, my passion. All that bouncing painted a picture I perceived as shameful + undisciplined; until my perception was changed. Until I was Unhinged from all the conflicting Knowledge I’d gained, freed from all the siloed worlds I’d bounced between could I see myself as a Human doing their best.

The moment I freed myself from shame, for all I hadn’t accomplished, I was able to understand all I had achieved as a person. Without the voice in my head telling me I was too uneducated for my ideas, I was capable of updating my lens and accessing my Knowledge. I watched gaps I’d been tripping on my whole life be replaced with memories, nuggets of knowledge and more Keys. 

Keys I’d received without understanding or acknowledgement, had unlocked opportunities and new spaces I couldn't fully appreciate because I couldn’t let myself; I hadn’t done all the maths. I couldn’t see all the work to get here, until I did. That mother fuckers is Cloud 9!! On Cloud 9 I could see everything I needed to see + possessed enough trust to believe anything is possible. Then shit got weird. Once I stopped telling myself I was too uneducated, too distractible, too ADD (ADHD I guess but I’m oldish and that was my diagnosis) , too undisciplined, unmotivated and lazy to do puzzles. My brain started doing some CRAZY shit. Mental maths, puzzles and ideas started popping up everywhere, constantly. (My husband is a saint- in human form ;*)

I Nolonger blame myself for feeling crazy. My Knowledge + External Life didn’t match. The wild places my mind goes now is likely just a result of too much SciFi but I don’t have a clue. I’ve spent the past month Creating at a pace I only dreamed of, while facing enormous hardship and life changes I’ve always feared, with balance + grace I’d only witnessed in others. (Including a couple of fuckin epic meltdowns because I’m a Human) I’ve been able to show up and do my best, + it’s finally enough. I’m Enough (Thanks Barbie!) because for the first time in my life; I arrived at My Balance. A clean slate that let me achieve an Understanding of myself and my place on this planet; regardless of what comes next. I’ve created a Flexible, Open Plan + I trust myself to deal with what comes next.

So! Now that we’ve caught up a little and you kinda-ish, maybe, know where I'm at i want to let you know my House Rules for the Party. Mind your Own Business + Don’t Be an Asshole.

I’d love to create a Knowledge Pool to Explore & Create magic with by facilitating connections - with the intent of immediately starting again; to see where it can go. I’m designed to explore, discover and move on like a little bee gleaming the little bit they require for their mission and moving on. I’ve bounced so hard because I knew I was meant to stay out of the Mud & Weeds. Others are on their mission to sort and order what comes next after discovery. The people who NEED to follow the line they found to the end and discover and uncover all the steps along the way. 

 I spent three decades doing everything in my Control to change that part of myself; until I embraced it as my Super Power. Fresh Eyes and a Clean Slate. Cuz apparently, I’m fuckin mind blind?! Whatever TF that really means because I refuse to explore: for fear of the mud and weeds. I’m prone to getting lost in the science and results of there being nothing but blank black space when I close my eyes. I have to work hard to generate anything visual, unless I have a problem to solve, then I have a blackboard to shift puzzle pieces as large as I can fathom into place. 

What the actual fuck right? Unless that might maybe make sense to you?! I sent out this MayDay asking for help because Cloud Nine was great, but it only got me this far. My last enlightenment designed the largest leap I could take, to shoot my best shot at designing and creating authentic aligned focus. 

I’m trying to show all my work. I've filled page after page for weeks until I realised May Day was upon us seven days ago. For context, I’ve had three days to implement the biggest boldest move I could concoct and I have zero idea what’s next.  Let’s see what gaps we can find and conjure magic to fill them!!

-xo